From a crowded section of the universe and looking to get away from it all, |||\\|||/, from Proxima Centauri b, wanted a better life for themself. And being that |||\\|||/ had no place else to go, they decided to immigrate to Earth. Specifically, the long-running reality show that is known as These United States.

Why would |||\\|||/be willing to choose that backwater of all places? Because it’s the Milky Way’s equivalent of a trailer park far outside of town on a back road? Kinda. But, two main reasons, really. They had a program. And, to cash in and capitalize on the one thing they knew how to do: be an alien.

Upon receiving his Grey Card from the Department of Homeworld Security, |||\\|||/ quickly joined the Burner and festival circuit. Once there, they began utilizing their ability to turn water and fungus into mushrooms through mycology and horticulture.

In order to stay hidden in plain sight, |||\\|||/ told everyone they saw that they wore an alien mask 100% of the time because they didn’t want the government to see their face on any cameras, drones, or satellites passing by. And being that |||\\|||/ customers were 1. chill AF 2. buying drugs and 3. weary of the government, the whole alien mask didn’t actually seem like that sus of behavior.

If only the Burners knew what |||\\|||/ was really up to… that |||\\|||/ was a deep-cover government agent (who just happens to be an alien and) who’s snitching on shroom-popping Burners and festi-heads to secure their Grey Card and maintain their Earth residency. (Your jaw drops from hearing too much stupidity.)

|||\\|||/ always wanted to visit wine country. But being that they’re a bigshot government agent, they just didn’t have the time. In what little personal time |||\\|||/ did have, they liked laughing at the advice in self-help ‘books’ and once read in a particularly draining ‘book’ that you “make your own luck” and “luck is just opportunity meeting preparation”.

So, |||\\|||/ decided to make his own luck. |||\\|||/ convinced their bosses at Homeworld that they could sell their shrooms to the good people of Oregon, where mushrooms are legal at the state level… but not federally! After doing a bit of their own research on the best place in wine country to fit in if you happen to be an alien that’s a deep-cover government agent, |||\\|||/ made their journey to McMinnville’s UFO Festival & Alien Parade on May 16th & 17th, 2025. Which just so happens to be conveniently located in the heart of Oregon’s wine country.

|||\\|||/ 1, Big Gov 0

But there seemed to be a problem. |||\\|||/’s alien “mask” looked too authentic and thus would have attracted too much attention from the thousands of parade cosplay marchers and sideline viewers during the festival. And this would deeply cut into |||\\|||/’s time federally snitching on shroomiphiles. And drinking wine.

So, instead of battling the crowds or being the alien in the alleyway recording the selling of shrooms to every human looking for an ethical escape from their reality, |||\\|||/ decided to visit one of the more than 250 wineries located convenietly around McMinnville and treated themselves to a room at McMinnville’s luxurious $1,000+ a night hotel/motel. All on the government’s dime.

|||\\|||/ 2, Big G 0

—This Satirical Ad Not Paid For By Visit McMinnville & The McMinnville Downtown Association—